Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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