i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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