Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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