how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
