I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize