watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
