It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
