god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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