oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
