Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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