Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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