from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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