I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
