i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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