she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we made out on top of his cat.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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