I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
