That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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