hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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