Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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