I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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