I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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