I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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