I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
