Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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