god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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