highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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