I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
