so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
