I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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