Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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