saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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