In the future we'll all be gay
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
