Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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