I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
