Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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