this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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