if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
