oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
