if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize