Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
