: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
