I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
