Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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