Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
