i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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