Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
