I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
