a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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