I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
