Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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