...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
