They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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