I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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