It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Randomize
