Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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