I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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