Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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