ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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