In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
