Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
