i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
